ethical non-monogamy: my partner does, I don’t

It’s been some time since I have regularly written about ethical non-monogamy and I have been having interesting discussions with friends about the subject. Last night, a friend of mine reignited my interest with her discussion about wants and needs in relationships.

What do you do if your partner wants to have an open relationship and you’re not interested? In many cases, this is how the conversation begins. If you are in a long term monogamous relationship, one partner may begin to realize that they are looking for a more open relationship. There are a lot of different reasons for this realization, some positive, some not so positive.

Perhaps the partner is in love with his significant other but he realizes that he has needs that can’t be met within the relationship. Perhaps she is in love with her significant other but is finding that she has so much love to give and just wants to love more and harder. It could be that one partner is actually unhappy in the relationship and is looking to explore but isn’t necessarily aware of this, they just know that they are interested in having a new experience without hurting their partner. Perhaps one partner is looking to explore sexually and they want to do this in a safe context with the support of their significant other.

In this particular scenario lets ignore why one partner wants to open their monogamous relationship, and just assume that the other partner is uncomfortable with the idea. They are happily monogamous, and their initial reaction is fear. Why do they want to see someone else? Am I not good enough? Is our relationship over? Now that they’ve told me they want to explore, can we ever be happy together? There is a lot of fear, envy, jealousy, sadness, anger, a lot of negative emotions that can come when one partner expresses their interest in opening a relationship, and another partner is taken off guard.

If you are interested in ethical non-monogamy (swinging, polyamory, open relationships, monogamish) its important to acknowledge that your partner may not be initially open or warm to the idea. Approach your partner openly and honestly about your interests and come with patience. Your partners gut reaction may be one that you find closed or frustrating. Instead or responding similarly, accept and acknowledge how your partner feels. Have conversations about it and provide your partner with literature you think might be helpful. (I have a short list in my resources page at the top.)

Remember that a lot of models we have for non-monogamy are either unethical, or based in polygamy. Even in cases where television or film attempts to give an open and honest viewpoint of ethical non-monogamy, they are often only giving one flat perspective of what it means for those people.

If your partner approaches you with an interest to open the relationship, try to listen with an open heart and mind. It likely took some amount of courage to ask you this question and how you react may influence how open they are with discussing how they feel in that moment. Whether or not you are interested in open relationships, take the time to read about them, and learn to understand how and why people choose to open their relationship. Ethical non-monogamy or opening ones relationship is about defining your own boundaries. Setting your own limits. Finding rules that work for the both of you.

If and when two partners find common ground, there are many ways to proceed.

However, sometimes one partner is committed to opening the relationship (again, for a variety of reasons) and the other partner is committed to not opening the relationship. If one partner is satisfied and happy with monogamy and the other is not, you may find yourselves reaching an impasse.

What then? 

1. Never open a relationship for your partner if you genuinely do not want an open relationship. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t necessarily mean everyone is getting the same things out of the open relationship, but it does mean everyone is consenting of it. If you don’t want to open the relationship, don’t open the relationship.

2. If your partner is wanting a particular experience and you feel uncomfortable with that scenario, take some time alone to think about yourself. In the world where you can create the own boundaries to your relationship, are there any current boundaries that you would change? Any experiences you would give yourself permission to have? Sometimes a partner may approach you with an idea but you may work together to find a compromise that suits both of you.

3. Talk openly and honestly with one another about the open relationship but make sure you do so when you are both feeling calm and safe. Keep conversations to a length that you feel is productive. Sometimes it may feel like you should keep talking until you find something that works for both of you, but sometimes its better to take time apart and think separately. Writing things down on a notepad (fears, desires, wants, needs, boundaries) can help you form coherent thoughts to your significant other.

Have questions about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.